Popularity doesn't come cheap
by blowflylaura
Summary: Sian realises that there is a price to being popular.


There's a banner in my R.E classroom which reads 'what is popular is not always right and what is right is not always popular.' It's a quote from Albert Einstein and it is incredibly fitting for secondary school. School is full of cliques, always has been and always will be. These cliques mean that you belong to a certain group of people and they define who you are in school.

You have the popular people, the lads are usually rugby or football players and the girls are the hockey or netball players, the ones whose faces are usually covered in make-up. Then you have the musical people, those who do drama and the ones who take part in academic clubs. They you have everybody else, they don't belong to a club or play a sport and that is their clique.

When I was in junior school, I used to be a little chubby. I was the girl who never got picked for P.E because I couldn't really run without getting exhausted, hell I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without breathing heavily. I was severely unfit. In the summer between year 6 and year 7, I made a decision. I decided that I was going to change. I was going to go to secondary school a new person; the chubby girl would be just a distant memory. So I lost the weight, changed my hairstyle and actually developed a sense of style.

That change made me feel confident in myself but it made me lose the most precious thing I had.

The change worked though because when I entered secondary school, I became what I'd always wanted to be, I became popular. As I grew older, my body blossomed, boys started flirting with me and I felt like a completely different person. But with popularity comes peer pressure. My friends all started dating lads from the rugby teams and I felt pressured to follow suit. But the peer pressure didn't end there, it was almost as if I was the top of the totem pole and my friends looked to me for advice, they followed my lead. I quickly became pressured to lose my virginity.

Being popular comes with a price and the bitch of it is I chose that rite of passage. I could have stayed chubby but I didn't want to, I wanted to be popular.

I made a sacrifice the day I decided to lose weight. Whilst I became popular, Sophie dropped to the side-lines and threw herself into her schoolwork. She became a member of the maths clubs and the science club. Now she was the last to get picked for P.E but not due to her lack of fitness but due to the fact that to most people, she is a nobody.

But to me she is everything.

I'm enamoured with her, she is absolutely gorgeous and the fact that she is so clever only makes her even sexier to me.

We'd been in the same year since reception and we used to be best friends. I didn't want to have to ditch her, I wanted to be her friend, hell I wanted to be more but I couldn't, not if I wanted to stay popular. It was either be friends with her, or stay the most popular girl in school. I had to make a choice.

And I made the wrong one.

It may sound shallow or conceited but I know that I am the most popular girl in school, girls want to be me or at least be friends with me and guys want to date me. But there is only one person that I have any interest in, only one person I'd ever been interested in and that is Sophie.

I used to be the child that got bullied, the one who people pushed around because I didn't pose a threat to them. They knew I couldn't or wouldn't fight back. I was a chubby, shy child who had a habit of falling over my own feet.

Sophie was my only friend. My best friend.

When somebody called me a name, she would hold my hand and tell me they were just jealous. One day I was pushed to the ground by Michael Andrews, he laughed as my body connected with the gravel but he only laughed for a few seconds before he was lying beside me. Sophie stood above him, her hand outstretched for me to take. That was the moment I fell for her. She was always there to protect me and I needed protecting. I feared that upon entering high school, I would become a target but Sophie quashed those worries and told me she would always be there to protect me.

And I repaid her good nature by tossing her aside like an old toy.

My friendship with Sophie didn't just end, it was crippled beyond belief. The first few years of secondary school she wouldn't even talk to me, she hated me. She actually told me that once and it was the only time I've felt my heart ache.

But then everything changed.

When she was 15, her mum got breast cancer. I forgot about my reputation and my popularity and I went to her because she needed a friend, she needed me. At first she didn't want my help or my company but I was relentless and eventually one day after telling me to leave her alone, she broke down in my arms. I held her whilst she cried. After that I spent hours at her house keeping her company, taking her mind off her mum, trying to make her feel better. It felt like old times, back when we were best friends.

It made me realise how much I had missed her.

It made me realise that she was a part of my life, a part of me. I wasn't going to ditch her again.

When her mum got the all-clear she hugged me hard and thanked me for being there for her. She thanked me for being her friend. But I didn't want to be her friend; I wanted to be more than that. So whilst she was thanking me, I did something I'd wanted to do for years.

I kissed her.

Initially she pushed me away but before I could even apologise her lips were on mine again.

Our first kiss.

Things progressed from there. We started seeing each other, albeit in secret and everything was great. In school nothing changed, I was still the most popular girl in school and she was a nobody just drifting through the corridors but this time, we would share secret smiles and secret kisses in empty classrooms when nobody was around.

We started almost a secret affair.

I was happy. I had the girl I was in love with and that was all that mattered to me. But it wasn't enough for Sophie.

_I can describe every single aspect of her room with my eyes closed. I know that she only has two posters decorating her walls, one with the words Keep Calm and Drink Tea and the other is the movie poster for Psycho. I asked her once why she had those two posters because they were so undeniably different and her answer was simple. She liked tea and Psycho is her favourite movie. That's one of the things I love about her. She keeps things simple, she sees everything in black and white and that's the way she lives her life. I see life in colour, I picture everything that could possibly go wrong but she doesn't think about the consequences. _

_I know that in the bottom draw of her desk she has a photo album. An album which contains pictures of me and her from when we were young to recently. I know every photo in there; I've flicked through it enough times. Every photo we've taken, she's placed it in the album, even if they're not very good ones. She took a photo of me once just after waking up, my hair was a mess and I had no make-up on but when I told her to delete it, she said no. She told me that every photo is a memory and one day that might be all she has. I wanted to probe further but the way she was looking at me made me think twice._

_I've been in her room more times than I can count, when we were younger as friends and now as so much more. I can feel the goose bumps appearing on my stomach as she drew circles around my belly button._

"_Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out! Certainly, which way did you come in?" _

_Sophie laughed, her nose crinkling in the process before she hit me playfully on the stomach. "That is awful." She continued to laugh as she insulted my joke._

_I smiled at her before bringing our lips together. "You told me to make you laugh and I did." I said proudly, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear before giving her a peck on her nose. _

"_You're such a goof." She grinned at me before placing her head on my shoulder. I pulled the covers up a little further so her naked body was covered before wrapping my arm around her pulling her in closer to me. _

_She always looked so beautiful after sex. She had a certain glow about her, her body was glistening and I had to stop myself from kissing every inch of her body._

"_How can you be so unequivocally beautiful? I'm so lucky to have you." _

_Sophie blushed before burying her head in the crook of my neck, hiding her reddened face from me. She always did it. She felt embarrassed by the fact that she blushed at anything but I found it adorable._

"_You're one to talk." She placed a soft kiss on my neck. "I get to touch and kiss the most popular girl in school; everybody would be envious of me if they knew."_

_The room filled with an awkward silence. When we first started seeing each other, Sophie knew what the situation was, she knew that we would have to be a secret and she agreed to that. But the longer we stayed together in secret, the more she wanted to tell people. It was written all over her face but because she is such a good person, she didn't pester me. She didn't push me into doing something I wasn't ready for and I love her for that._

"_Sophie..."_

"_Yeah I know, it would ruin your reputation if your friends knew we were sleeping together." She tried to mask her sadness but I could hear it. She could never hide anything from me, I knew her too well. I knew that the constant lies and sneaking around affected her more than she would ever admit. _

"_Is that all we're doing?" _

_Sophie rolled away from me so she was lying on the other side of the bed, her side pressed against the wall. "You want me to define this? I'll define it when you let me. The ball is in your court Sian, it always has been."_

_I shook my head and rolled on my side so I could look at her. "You know I can't tell people Sophie, it's not just my friends but my parents would freak if they found out about us." I confessed sadly. "I would be completely ostracised by everybody."_

"_Not by me." Sophie said, her voice filled with hurt. "But I guess the way your friends feel about you is more important."_

"_That's not true." I closed my eyes, fully aware that this conversation was heading towards argument territory unless I could stop it. I grabbed her hand and entwined our fingers. "Can we just forget about this and go back to how it was five minutes ago?"_

"_So that's it? We're just going to keep doing this..." She gestured between the pair of us. "And not tell anybody."_

"_You've never had a problem with it before." I replied, knowing full well that that wasn't true. "We've been seeing each other for the past five months, why didn't you say something sooner?"_

"_Because I was happy I had my friend back. I didn't want to ruin it." She admitted shyly. _

"_You know I've always been your friend."_

_She chuckled lightly whilst shaking her head. "You became a different person. You dated Matthew Adams because your friends pressured you into it, hell you even slept with him so you wouldn't lose your popularity."_

"_I didn't..." I started before swallowing hard. I was about to admit something to her that nobody knew, except for Matthew. "I never slept with him. Believe what you want about me but I'm not going to sleep with somebody because that's what my friends want me to do. I'm my own person Sophie, I make my own decisions and you were my first Sophie." _

_Sophie's eyebrows furrowed. I know I should have told her she was my first but she constantly presumed that I had slept with Matthew. I mean why shouldn't she? Matthew told everybody that we'd had sex because he didn't want to lose his reputation, but the sweetest thing was, he asked me first if we could lie about it. I agreed because like him, I didn't want to lose my reputation. "Why didn't you tell me?"_

"_I thought you knew me well enough to know I wouldn't do that." I knew it was a low blow but I was surprised at her lack of trust in me. Everybody else may believe what they're told but I thought Sophie would be able to see through the lies._

"_Don't you dare turn this back around on me! She jumps off the bed and grabs her dressing gown, wrapping it securely around her naked body. "I did know you but then you changed."_

"_I never changed...not really."_

"_You did." She sat at the foot of the bed causing me to move up the bed slightly. "The girl I love is popular, has a gorgeous body, is brilliant in bed…" She smirked at me "…and everybody knows her name. But that's not who I fell for. The girl I fell for is the one hidden underneath, the chubby girl who nobody knew except for me, the girl who cried at the end of My Girl, the girl I grew up with. That's who I'm in love with."_

"_So what? You want me to gain weight?" _

_Sophie rolled her eyes before sighing. "You just don't understand do you?"_

"_Then tell me!"_

_Sophie grabbed my clothes from the floor and placed them on the bed next to me. "I think you should go."_

_I was about to argue but she had already walked towards her desk, sitting in the chair with her back to me. I shrugged my dress on before resting against her chest of drawers. "Will I see you tomorrow?"_

"_I think it's probably for the best if we stop doing whatever it is we're doing."_

_I grabbed the sides of her chair and span her around so she was facing me. "What? Why?"_

_Sophie tried to stand until she realised she was trapped between my arms. "I can't do this anymore Sian, it hurts too much."_

"_Being with me hurts you?" _

_She closed her eyes and crossed her arms protectively across her chest. "I'm not with you though, at least not really." She placed her hands on my arms signalling for me to move them and after a moment's hesitation I did. "And I don't think I ever will be until you tell your friends."_

"_Have we just broken up?" I couldn't believe how pathetic I sounded, if my friends could see me now they'd just laugh and tell me to grow up. When it came to dating, they had one rule, don't pine after somebody. But not being with Sophie scared me to death._

"_You have to be together to break up." Sophie walked towards her bedroom door and held it open for me. "Just go Sian."_

_I can see her foot tapping; she always does that when she's impatient. "I'm not just going to let you end this Sophie." I took a seat back on her bed and waited several seconds before she closed the door and leaned against it._

"_Why do you have to make things harder than they need to be?" _

_Offended by her comment, I cross my arms. "Well I'm sorry for not sitting back while you break up with me."_

"_I told you Sian, we're not together, at least not properly."_

"_Do you honestly believe that?" I asked. "Tell me how we're not a couple."_

"_Nobody outside these four walls knows about us." She raised her voice slightly before lowering it when she remembered her parents were downstairs. "My family think we're still friends but everybody else thinks you hate me."_

"_I didn't know you cared about what people think. You know I love you and that should be the only thing that matters."_

"_You know I love you too." _

_A smile filled my face at her words. I knew how she felt about me but it was always nice to hear. Especially the way she said it, sincere and full of love. It made my heart swell._

"_Does that mean you'll re-consider breaking up with me?" My eyes bore right into her, pleading with her. Nobody may know about us but I can't lose her._

_Sophie looked at me sadly before slowly shaking her head. "I told you, it hurts."_

_I stood from the bed and walked towards her. "Tell me what I need to do and I'll do it."_

_She closed her eyes and bit down on her lip, her head shaking constantly. I take another step closer to her and grab her hands. "Soph." I heard her inhale sharply. "Baby, please look at me." Her eyes stayed closed but her lips curled up slightly as I called her baby. She always loved it when I called her that, she said it was because that was the only thing I called her that nobody else did. "Please." Her eyes slowly opened and I was met by tear filled eyes. I cupped her cheek and wiped away the falling tear with the pad of my thumb. "Why are you crying?" _

"_I don't want to lose you Sian." She confessed, another tear falling down her cheek. "I've already lost you once before and it killed me, I can't go through that again."_

_I could feel my own tears brimming. "I promise you, you will never lose me."_

"_I seem to recall you saying that to me when we were younger." Sophie said bitterly. "You didn't keep your promise that time, why would you keep it now?"_

_Her truthful words stung me. When I became popular and stopped speaking to her, I knew she was hurt but I had no idea how hurt. Even when we started seeing each other, she never confessed how she felt. Now she was finally confessing her feelings, I felt like the worst person in the world. I wanted to become popular so much that I broke her._

"_Because right now, I'd rather die than lose you Sophie." _

"_Tell somebody."_

_I cocked my head to the side and looked at her with a confused expression. "What?"_

"_You asked me what you needed to do, tell somebody about us." She clarified. "Tell anybody. I swore I would never push you into doing this but I can't keep being your dirty little secret. It is killing me Sian."_

_I remove my hand from her cheek and place both my arms by my side. "And if I don't?" I asked, although I already knew what the answer would be._

"_Then you lose me."_

That was a week ago and since then I haven't seen Sophie. She won't answer my calls and she refuses to speak to me until I've made a decision about what I want most.

My popularity or her.

If I'd had known that kiss on her bed could potentially be our last kiss, I'd have savoured every moment. If I'd had known that by leaving her room, I might never set foot in it again, I never would have left. I sacrificed my friendship with her for popularity and now she wanted to know whether I'd sacrifice our relationship. She wanted to know if I was brave enough to admit to somebody that I was in love with her.

But I didn't know whether I could be that brave.

Being popular is something I've wanted since I was young but then again so is Sophie. I can't just walk away from her.

Not again.

Standing on her doorstep, I feel more nervous than ever before. My palms are sweaty and I try desperately to dry them by rubbing them on my thighs. I'm nervous because what I'm about to do is going to change my life.

"Sian, what are you doing here?" Sophie rubbed her eyes before looking at me. She was in her pyjamas and she blushed at her informal attire.

"I still cry at the end of My Girl. I bawl like a baby every time I watch it." Sophie raised her eyebrows at me, her forehead creasing slightly. "I'm still the girl you grew up, those photos in your album, of me and you, when we were young, I'm still her."

"Sian…"

"You asked me where the girl you fell for had gone. She hasn't gone anywhere. She's still here." I grabbed Sophie's hand and placed it over my heart. "I may not be the girl you remember but I want to be."

"Come inside." Sophie said, grabbing my hand and leading me through her house up to her bedroom. When we were younger, her house was like my second home, I spent that much time there that if I wasn't there, her parents wondered whether we'd fallen out.

Sophie closed her bedroom door before resting against it. "I am so scared Sophie."

"What of?"

"I spent seven years of my life being the kid that nobody liked. I was the kid who got pushed around and called names. I can't go back to being that person."

Sophie walked towards me and cupped my cheek softly. "I liked you."

"You were the only one."

"You're not that person anymore Sian." Sophie said. "You're the most popular girl in school. Everybody likes you. You're not going to get bullied again."

"How do you know?"

Sophie smiled softly at me. "I promised you, I'd always protect you. If anybody bullies you then so help them." I laughed. "I pushed Michael Andrews on the ground when we were 9 because he pushed you. Don't worry Sian; you'll always have me looking out for you. Nobody gets to hurt you."

"I don't deserve you."

Sophie found my right hand and entwined our fingers. "Me? I'm just the school nerd. I don't deserve you."

"You are so much more than that." I said.

She cups my cheek once again. "Thank you."

I close my eyes briefly at her touch. "I can't lose you." I admitted. "I love you more than I've ever loved anybody and I'm not willing to let you go."

"What does that mean?"

"I'll tell people." I said. "I'll tell people that I love you and that we're together. I'll shout it from the rooftops if you want because I don't want to be popular if I can't be with you."

"Just so you know, you will always be the most popular girl in school to me."

"Even if people hate me?"

Sophie laughed a little. "How could anybody ever hate you? Besides I love you too much for anybody's hate to bother you."

I smile genuinely at her. "I love you too."

She smiles at me before pressing her lips against mine in a soft kiss. When I feel her pull away I grab the back of her neck and pull her back, I can feel her smile in the kiss. She thinks I've done it because I can't get enough of her, which is true but I've done it because, just in case this is our last kiss, I'm going to savour it.

I'm going to savour every kiss with her from now on because I know how easy it to lose somebody.

I am petrified of having to tell my friends but I know everything will be okay because I have Sophie. She has promised to protect me and I know that she will follow through if necessary. I missed out on three years of being in her life and I will never make that mistake again. She was right, being together in secret isn't a relationship and why should we be a secret. I want to show her off. My decision to be with Sophie may not be popular but I don't care because I know it's the right thing.

When I was younger I wanted to be popular, it was my dream. Films made everything look so easy for the popular kids but they don't show just how hard it really is. Being popular isn't all sunshine and rainbows, there is always a price, whatever that may be.

The price of popularity for me was becoming somebody I didn't like.

Somebody I hated.

And I don't want to hate myself.


End file.
